


Baby Barba Blues

by Anonymous



Series: Thanks, Tumblr [7]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Death Threats, Domestic Fluff, F/M, Unplanned Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-20
Updated: 2016-11-20
Packaged: 2018-09-01 02:33:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,960
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8603788
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: Based on the prompt received HERE: The squad finds out you’re pregnant before Barba since he’s in hiding due to the death threats





	

 

“So you’re just going to…” You grabbed for the suits he was so diligently folding away. No way were you going to let this be easy: he could fight you for his patterned fabrics and fancy pocket squares- you’d hide them all away with his cufflinks he could never find and every pretentious book he thought he’d be taking with him. You’d steal his ties and suspenders, keep them hostage until he dismissed this stupid idea.

Rafael let you take his jackets, and clenched his jaw as he practiced the virtue of Patience. It wasn’t like he wanted this to happen, or asked for it… Well, okay, he did have a hand in the necessity. You were a casualty in his war for justice, this situation was a friendly fire. “If you’d feel better, I can wait until after you leave to pack.” That sounded worse out loud than it had in his head.

Your jaw fell open, and you childishly threw a balled up tie at his apathetic face. “Where am I supposed to go?”

“Olivia got your old apartment back,” his monotone voice was driving you insane- was it hot in here? It felt hot, and stiff, you couldn’t breathe around the air of tension. “You loved that place.”

“Kick rocks,” Your schoolyard taunt was just good enough to make his eyes roll. How was he so apathetic? How was he so cool, composed- was this sincerely so simple for him? “I loved YOU too.”

His gaze narrowed; he actually had the audacity to glare at you? “Love **D**?” Rafael twisted his stance, using an arm on a bed post to keep up as he leaned to one side. “Did you just past-tense me?”

Ouch, talk about a Faux-Freudian slip. You didn’t mean it, but he wouldn’t let it go even if you argued for it. Time was passing, too quickly; you didn’t want to waste it on a suffix. “Why can’t I come with you?” You tried to stifle your anger, it was so hard. Tried to be sweet and convincing, you gathered his hand up in yours and kissed at his knuckles.

His lip twitched, you thought maybe your puppy dog eyes pulled through. Fat chance. “Because if they DO find me, I don’t want them to find YOU too.” He bowed, kissed your forehead; you wished he’d get stuck there. “This way it looks like we’re not connected anymore, you’re back to your life and I’m…”

“Gone.” If he couldn’t face the purgatory he was banishing you to, you’d remind him.

He nodded, your face moved with his, “Yes.” Your fingers flew away from his fist, up into his hair. If you had to feel like a wreck, his hair would be just as unkempt, and you wanted to feel his strands slide along your palms just one more time. Up on tiptoes, so you could trap him in a real kiss- not just one for your skin or to quiet your temper.

“I don’t know what I’ll do without you,” you finally cracked, and whimpered against his lips. 

Wetness, you could feel your cheeks getting wet; but you weren’t crying. You never cried. A blink, to confirm, and the streak hadn’t ended. The tears were your dear beau’s, darling Rafael. “The same thing I’m going to do,” his voice faltered, “Wait until I can come back to you.”

That wasn’t good enough. You couldn’t beg any longer, you had packing of your own you had to do, apparently. Without further confirmation or commentary, you tore yourself from him just as he was ripping himself from your life. 

There was to be no contact, no communication, no attempts- Benson made it perfectly clear. You’d have argued, of course: but Rafael hadn’t. He had nodded and stared down at his hand on your knee. He had been silent, letting her dictate the conditions you had no choice but to agree to. 

You really did respect Olivia Benson. But you hated her draconian rules.  
You really did love your Rafael Barba. But you hated his acceptable silence.

He let you walk away, and watched forlornly as you left the room. Rafael ran his thumbs beneath his eyes, and went back to gathering the clothes you had previously discarded from his luggage. This wasn’t what he wanted, but it was the right answer. He needed to protect you; this was the best way to manage.

“Mi amor;” He said it, even though he knew he probably shouldn’t. That’s what you were, though, _his love_. His only love, his dearest love- he’d use the phrase as often as he could until it was no longer pertinent, once miles and state lines were put between you. “Baby, do you know where my good cufflinks are?”

Really? He did **NOT** just ask you that. “So you can leave without me, but not your cufflinks?” You probably should have said that in your head, instead of shouting it through the halls while you made your way to the guest bathroom. The little gold and diamond buttons were stored safely away, until you gathered them up in your palms. You actually ran back to the bedroom he was waiting for you in, and tossed the prized accessories so they hit him in the chest. “There’s your precious buttons, Rafael,” While you were there, you snatched your own suitcase, and gathered an armful of clothes from the closet. You weren’t going to pack your bag along his. “I hope you go to all the stupid parties and they sparkle in every damn photograph.”

He crunched his nose, and stared at the little cufflinks on the ground. They weren’t all that important, though they were his favorite of the collection- he just knew he’d miss how you always got them for him, you were so much better at keeping track. Of things, of time, of him.

This would be much harder than he thought.

~

That evening, you were brought back to the apartment you had left for Rafael’s condo all those months ago. It looked the same, but it felt stale. Lonely. 

“You want us to stay a bit?” Of course Detective Carisi would be the one to offer consolement. More than Rafael had. “We can order dinner or somethin-”

“No, I don’t.” Rafael had always said that he liked your course attitude, ‘I always know what you’re thinking’, but to others it had a tendency to come off as cold. You just weren’t the type of girl to mince words. “I need to be alone, to get used to it.” It felt like deja-vu, setting your suitcases down in the faintly familiar living room.

They didn’t protest, they left you alone after a few more minutes of handing off business cards and promises that they’re just a phone call away. It was all a blur, the last few days had been a haze. You’d been lost in the fog ever since he told you he’d be 'going in hiding.’ The phrase made the ordeal sound glamorous, like something that happens in a mobster movie. It should be saved for the silver screens, you thought; hearts weren’t made for hiding. It wasn’t even poetic.

You opened your suitcase once you were left to relish (or rot) in your solitude, hoping to find something to sleep in. Unfortunately, you hadn’t been able to focus much while packing, so everything was loosely tossed and tangled with each other. Out of frustration; general, ugly anger- you ended up just dumping all the contents onto the hardwood floors. Screw it, you’d find a night gown somewhere.

However, you hadn’t expected the little velvet box that tumbled from the midst of your clothes- it hit the ground harder than anything else, demanding your attention. Curiously, you plucked it up and twisted the little clasp; inside rest the gold and diamond cufflinks you had always managed to keep track of for Rafael. His favorite ones.

You’d be damned- he didn’t take them with him. He left them and you; no, with you. A solitary tear, a rare symbol of sadness, escaped your eye. You clutched the pretty accessories in your palm, and brought your fist to your lips. All you wanted to do was pick up Rafael’s wrist and click them into his shirt sleeves, chastise him for not being more careful with them.

This would be much harder than you thought.

—

“Carisi, please…”

“ _Your Name_ , you know I can’t.”

How the Hell did he become your confidant since Rafael disappeared in that damned black car? He was useless. They said to call anytime, and you called often: but they always denied you the one thing you needed.

“It’s important.” You were sprawled out on the floor of your kitchen, staring down at the contents you had gathered. A bottle of water, some crackers, a couple strawberry cake pops from Starbucks that you couldn’t live without for some reason. There weren’t many options at this hour.

He sounded so tired when he sighed, and you had to concede that it was late. You almost felt guilty bothering him. “How important?” 

Almost. “You’re being intransigent.” Not quite.

“He’s gone for his own good,“ you could almost see him pinching the bridge of his nose, he hated arguing. "Don’t be selfish.”

That did it. He’d found the pin in the haystack- the one damnation that could bring you to your knees beyond that fortress of grump and sass you had so meticulously built up. Your tears fell, your shoulders shook, and you hoped he felt like the horrible brute he was for making you sob. It had been years since you cried like this- many years, you were probably a teenager the last time you felt so helpless. “Can I at least talk to Olivia about it?”

“No,” Carisi sounded annoyed, he probably was. You two had been over this before, he had spelled it out hundreds of times prior to this evening. Rafael needed to disappear, and the only way to do that, was if nobody knew where he went. Including you. Which you thought, bluntly, was stupid.

That was two months ago, though.  
And distance was making your heart ache much more than it grew any fonder.

“Carisi, this is SO important, I-” 

The noise he made was awful, something between a squealing yawn and a dramatic sigh. It was a successful interruption; it actually made you stop talking. "Hey, let’s get breakfast tomorrow. You, me and Rollins.” His irritation was practically tangible. “It’s three in the morning, we’ll come pick you up at nine.”

Compromise. Your life felt like a compromise lately. What was one more?

“Okay.” You lay back on the cool tile floor after you hung up on him, staring up at the odd light fixtures. You missed your kitchen, the one you and Rafael had shared before everything fell to shambles. You missed everything you and he shared, though. Every silent night where you lay on his chest and he waited for you to tap at the page in the book before he turned it. The walks in the park where he’d make up facts about sculptures and statutes- you’d have to decide if they were real or imaginary.

This was going to be so much harder than you thought.

—

“You could have just said that on the phone.”

Sonny was leaned far back in his little metal chair, trying to put as much space between him and the plastic stick on the table. He had seen them before, but this was different. This was important. You weren’t just being theatric like he had assumed you were.

“I didn’t want to,” You confessed, and took a sip of coffee. Last night, you had shed enough tears to last you a century. There were none left for this meeting. “I didn’t think you’d believe me.”

Amanda was handling the situation much better, “We need to tell Olivia.”

“I don’t know what I’m going to do,” Your head fell into your hands, and she ran a hand up your spine in hopes of being reassuring. Your weakness was rare, but true- were you really going to be a single mother? Raise a child by yourself in New York? It sounded preposterous, unfair, to both you and the life inside of you.

“We’re going to take care of you.” Sonny overcame his fear of the new knowledge and reached across for your arm. “You’re not alone, we can help with all this.” He shook you, forcing you to raise your face from the hidden safety of your palms, and nodded seriously. “Barba told us to take care of you, we’re gonna take care of you.”

“Liv,” Rollins rose from the seat, excusing herself so she could wander around the bend and talk in private to their Lieutenant. What was there to say? ‘ _Your Name is knocked up with a baby Barba, shit’s hitting the fan_?’

“Thank you.” You whimpered, and put a hand atop of his. There really was no option other than to trust them, the people your dear Rafael had put in your corner. If he could trust them to take care of you, you’d have to do the same.

—

Three more months had come and gone. The ladies of SVU had insisted you have a baby shower, so you could get things you needed and be surrounded by people you loved. It all felt trite, you really weren’t that interested in celebrating much of anything.

It wasn’t the baby you were so melancholy about- you loved your baby. You loved eating the right foods and folding up the baby clothes over and over again. The baby books had been read through repetitiously, all four of them, and you joined silly Mommy Groups online to talk to other ‘single soon to be moms’ in the world. You lived for lying in bed at night and running your fingertips along the swell of your precious little Barba’s home. It’s very likely you’ve never loved anything as much as you loved the sweet cherub growing within you, your most precious surprise.

Well, besides him.

“They all look nice,” you nodded vibrantly, trying to appear 'into’ the search for invitations that Amanda had insisted you assist with. Thankfully, she had chosen her favorites already, which only left you six to pick from. Unfortunately for her genuine excitement, you really couldn’t care less about which card they chose. 

Nothing felt like your choice anymore.

Your friend rolled her eyes, and she scrolled further down the page. Olivia came up from behind, placing a careful hand on your shoulder to announce her arrival. “That one’s cute,” she suggested gently, while pointing out a photograph of little cartoon zoo animals. They were supposed to be baby animals, you assumed. They looked silly.

“Yea, that works.” Again with your complacent nodding, but Amanda’s bright smile lit up your doubt. “It’ll work with the colors, too.”

“I can help decorate!” You three hadn’t even realized Carisi was listening in, until he shot his hand up from his spot across the desks. In unison, all three of you cocked your heads to the side, and he flinched as if he had been denied instead of questioned. “I’m just saying… if you need me.”

Not wanting to offend him, you decided to play along. “Please do,” you smiled, and he grinned excitedly right back at you. “Thank you, Sonny.”

—

It actually turned out to be quite fun, despite the oddly isolated location they had chosen. An hour or so out of town, in what you thought was a dance studio. That was not important though, the rooms were filled with people who adored you. For once, the longing for your child’s father was pushed from your mind. How strange it was to feel just almost whole, even if it was an illusion caused by pretty packages and dear friends.

The squad had bought you sparkling champagne; even without the alcohol, the bubbles tickled your nose and lightened your mood. The guest list had been modest, per your request- a few old friends that still lived nearby, and of course all the detectives were in attendance. You had been absolutely spoiled: a car seat, more clothes than you could have imagined, a stroller, crib. All the necessities had been covered; you were overwhelmed with the love and encouragement you received.

It’s beautiful; you considered while reading through the slips of papers holding guesses for the last game that had been played- one Carisi had found, regarding guessing how much candy was in a bottle. You had been so concerned, wondering how you were going to do this on your own. Maybe you wouldn’t have to be all alone after all. 

You were busy meticulously setting the slips in order, highest to lowest numbers. So, when the door to the studio opened after an hour or so of the party- you weren’t the first to see who walked in. 

“YOU LOSE!” Triumphantly, you tossed a fist into the air; apparently you had a knack for estimating Skittles in various sized containers. When would that ever become relevant? You weren’t quite sure, but you had just beaten Sonny in the tally contest. Of course, you had expected him to joke at you for being so excited- but instead you were confronted with creepily cheery faces.

Suspiciously, you perked a brow, and hugged the three bottles of candy you held to your chest. “What’s your guys’ problem?” You asked softly, while tilting your head to the side. It was like a bad horror movie, they weren’t even really looking at you, and it felt as if they were staring _beyond_ you. “You all are crazy, you never seen someone so good at counting before?”

A breeze? Someone must have left the front door open. Deciding not to bother with your bewildered friends any more, you twist on your heel to make your way towards the entrance. 

The bottles you had been so proud of slipped from your hands, and cracked against the hard floors at your feet. Luckily there were plenty more stored among your presents. All multiple-hundred skittles scattered, little rainbow pings resounded and bounced off the mirrors and tiled ceilings. The light was suddenly so incredibly bright, it was so hard to catch your breath; you winced when the baby gave a swift kick at your ribs.

The one and only, mister illusive Rafael Barba stood, a nervous smirk spread over his face, while holding a beautifully wrapped gift about the size of a shoebox. There were no words, there had been too many lost for him to find any simple greeting. Hello? Thanks for inviting me? Nice belly? None of it felt right.

“You’re glowing,” he finally broke the silence, and your eyes shot wide. His voice still sounded the same, though you thought you heard it cracking. Instinctively, your now free hands went to your belly, and you ran a line with your fingertips from the top to the bottom. “You’re beautiful,” he added thoughtfully, while refusing to break your stare.

Were your eyes wet? “I’ve put on some weight,” you joked, though your tone wouldn’t have given it away. “And you’ve gotten tan.” Your humor was always appreciated when he was the recipient, though; and you heard his laughter for the first time in what felt like a hellish eternity. Like angels, dancing and guiding you back from the damned nothingness he had deserted you in.

You hadn’t heard the Skittles rattle the room, but every time his foot hit the floor so he could come closer was like a sonic boom. He held the box behind his back, as if you could see through the inconspicuous wrapping if he kept it in view. There’s no way he wrapped that, he was awful at wrapping presents, you remembered from last Christmas. “How far-”

Cutting him off, you gladly answered: “Six months.”

Rafael swallowed, hard enough that you could see his throat move. “May I?” He pointed at your stomach, and finally lost the staring contest so he could look down at your waist. A baby belly, YOUR baby belly, it was surreal to see it. In fact, he thought it was a trap at first, but here you were- more beautiful in all your pregnant glory than you had ever been before. A goddess, his miracle worker.

You took hold of his hand for him, and placed his palm on the bump over your dress. There’s nothing you’ve ever wanted more, than for him to enjoy this miracle with you. Rafael’s face shifted, as if the energy from your womb sent electricity through his veins, his soul. You knew that face- it had fallen on your own features while you spent the otherwise lonely evenings feeling little kicks and twists from your growing acrobat.

While he rubbed your belly like a magic lamp, you took the opportunity to ask the real questions: “How did you find out?” You had obeyed the rules, worried about sacrificing his safety for your own curious, selfish ways. There had been no attempts on your part to reach out, beyond begging the detectives to give you permission.

He sat his gift on the table, so he could put both of his hands on his little baby’s temporary home. “I got invited,” Rafael chuckled, and you twist your neck to glare at the sender of the invitations- Olivia excused herself to the other room, hoping to avoid the daggers you shot with your eyes. “Do you know if it’s-“ He cut himself off, in search of hints within the decorations. Yellow and green balloons floated above you, with complementary ribbons and table cloths- Carisi was so proud of his neutral color scheme, he beamed from behind the rest of the voyeurs.

“No, I didn’t want-“ your voice hitched, and you bit your lip to try and keep those rare tears from falling. “I didn’t want to find out without you.”

Rafael slid his hands around the circumference of your stomach, trying to make up for all the months he hadn’t gotten to see it grow. How miraculous, unbelievable, how magnificent- you held life within you. Part of which was his, a little creation from the both of you. 

Of course, he had been through his own personal Hell during the months away: falling asleep without you there to steal the blankets, managing to get through a crossword without your unasked for advice. The song of your voice, the scent of your perfume: it had been like living as a ghost, dreaming of the world he had once loved. How could he have known, all of this was going on without him, as if he hadn’t existed?

But now, there was so much more. Not only were you there, in the same room as he was, sharing the same air and breathing in tune. No, there was a third. An unbreakable connection, a marvel worthy of words he couldn’t even grasp.

“I got you something,” Rafael hesitated, obviously, but managed to bring himself to release you so he could go back to the little purple and white box he had previously discarded. “I really think you’ll like it.”

It was light, so light in fact; that you wondered if anything was even in it. Months apart and he gives you a gag present? So like him. “It’s a little unorthodox for you to bring a gift, you know.” You bit your tongue immediately after- it was too natural for you to tease him, to joke. You had missed it, his understanding of your dry jokes and his willingness to find your love within your sass. Thankfully, his lips turned up, and his green eyes fell on your gaze. Apparently he hadn’t forgotten.

“Most people would say: Thank you.” Sassily, he wriggled his shoulders, and impatiently waited for you to get through the bow and wrapping paper. Why had he asked the lady at the checkout to wrap it? This was taking too long; it all had taken far too long.

You paused at his sarcasm, and you could tell it frustrated him. Even more reason to take your time, keep him on his toes. “I don’t think I’m ‘most people’,” your lips plumped to a pout, and he promptly mocked you by doing the same. “Or am I, now?”

Immediately upon the accusation, Rafael shook his head side to side- vehement denial. “You’re everything,” he suggested simply.

After his reassurance, the box was opened, and inside lay the most puzzling gift you had received all day. More bewildering than the assortment of bottles, miscellaneous little toys, and odd pacifiers that you put on your fingers like puppets. No, resting upon a little pocket square –his baby blue one, likely your favorite of the collection- was a key. A key and a large silver ring for it to dangle from. “What’s this?” You asked with genuine bewilderment obvious in your voice and eyes.

As if on cue, Olivia was back, coming in from the opposite end of the room. “Okay, this was lovely and all- but we need to get the show on the road.” She had a walkie-talkie pressed to her cheek- who was she talking to? As you had seen her do hundreds of times in the squad room, she spun her hand in the air. 

Rafael nodded, apparently more in the loop of the apparent going-ons than you were. Like a ballet, the other detectives went to work, silently gathering gift bags and your new baby furniture. It looked planned, it had to of been- how else could they have acted so efficiently?

It was all happening so fast, and a sudden wave of minor nausea came over you when your nerves kicked in. “What show?” Your demand for answers was met with what you’ve missed more than anything- Rafael closed the gap between you so he could press his lips against yours. The cleanup squad meant nothing in that second; you were far too busy enjoying the kiss that had taken too long to occur.

“This,” Rafael pulled the key from the box while leaning his forehead against yours; he wasn’t ready to separate from you yet. “This is a key,” you lightly bit his lip in punishment for the obvious answer, and he laughed before pulling himself away. “It’s to my new house… well, our new home…” 

You gasped, audibly and loudly, and you had to grip onto his jacket in order to keep yourself up and on your feet. 

“You’re coming with me, _Your Name_.” Rafael’s voice held conviction, damned determined conviction. “If you will, please.” He felt as if he was about to deliver an address instead of ask the one question he wished he could have asked months ago. “You and the baby, mi amor- we can all be together, I just need you to come with me.” He gathered your hands in his, and tried to read your expression past the slack jaw he had earned. “If you’ll come with me, we can make this work, I… We won’t be alone. Have you ever been to Georgia?” He kissed your hands, over and over again, hopeful green eyes still locked on yours. “It’s beautiful, it’s always so warm- you’ll love it, I swear to you.” Rafael was desperate, it was obvious, and you could hear it in his voice. Oh, how you’ve missed the melody of his speech. “Just say you’ll come, please. I know it’s so hard, to leave everything, but I can try to make up for it all. I’ll do anything-“

He was rambling, and you were growing anxious. This was a waste of time. Why was he still talking so much, begging? “Rafael, let’s go.” There was luggage to pack, a crib to get together, did anyone get the large bag with all the baby clothes? “I have some things at the apartment, I don’t fit in anything but my maternity clothes, and there’s more blankets and bottles; your cufflinks, darling, they’re on the nightstand-“

Rafael gathered you to his chest, and left a rainstorm of kisses and sweet smooches from your throat up to your cheek, until he found your lips again. “I love you,” he whispered into your hair, and you coiled your arms around his chest. Never again would you let anyone put space between you; between the three of you. Nothing was more important. As long as you could be with him; in his arms, in his thoughts, in his home- you didn’t need anything else.

A little foot to your ribs made you yelp, and the newly expectant father dramatically held you out at arm’s length. His astonished stare went to the stomach that had just bumped at him, and he chuckled in spite of himself. “Sorry,” he teased, and went to rubbing hands along the swollen bump that had garnered his attention. Onto his knees he fell, despite the chaos of packing happening around you all, and he pressed the lips that had been on yours against the baby’s home; “I love you, too.”

“And we love you, Rafael;” you felt like you had the right to speak for the both of you. Lovingly, you raked your fingers through his hair, as he pressed his cheek against your belly. Tears fell down your cheeks, and you didn’t try to stop this. This was worth the crying. Never before had life felt so perfect- it was lovely being back in Heaven again.

And now, to Georgia. Anywhere would be home, no- paradise, with your Rafael Barba and the precious miracle you two had conjured.

Plus, beaches were always nice.  
This would be much lovelier than you thought. 


End file.
